Thursday, 21 July 2011

The two simple rules to weight loss

Greetings Biscuit-fans,

At Biscuit-Nikki towers it is well documented that we have a slight weakness towards biscuit based confectionary(slight weakness being an understatement) and as of 2 mins ago there's still not a biscuit based diet plan in circulation (patent is pending).

I think this weakness is largely genetic. My family has a rich and wonderful history with food (biscuits especially) and those of you that know me well, will know that little Biscuit Nikki (aka my sister) is a fantastic cake/pastry chef.  She follows in my Granddad's large footsteps, as he was also a chef and I am sure there's plenty more hiding in the branches of the family tree.

With this in mind my family as a whole, have lots of experience with dieting. My Nan has tried everything going - including acupuncture and hypnotherapy. And I think it is now safe to say that my generation (mainly me and my sister) have nailed it! Let me reveal my secret:

1. Eat a BALANCED diet
2. Exercise more

I'm calling it the common sense diet (patent also still pending).

You can imagine how shocked I was to find that this idea is not original and has been recycled many many times before (see latest government health campaign). You would also think that with all the 'join this site to learn one weird tip for a flatter stomach' websites around that no one knows my 2 amazing rules for a more healthy life.

I'm always blown over by how many people always want a quick fix for everything (see X-factor) instead of the tried and tested reliable route. There is no quick fix, every diet fad (yes I said it - FAD) is essentially based on those two tips - eat less and do more.

And it's with this in mind that I just want to talk about 'The Lemonade Diet'. I could easily substitute it for the Atkins diet, the cabbage soup diet, the chocolate diet and the soon-to-be-famous biscuit diet (book in process). I have chosen the 'Lemonade diet' because it is the sole most stupidest thing I have heard about all week - and that includes the conversation I had with the self-scan check out a few days ago!  (Unexpected item in shopping basket - how can it be unexpected when I scanned the bread moments earlier - I think that constitutes a fair warning).

Some of you may be blissfully ignorant of the lemonade diet - let me just take a sledgehammer to your naivety.

When life gives you lemons - don't go on the lemonade diet

The lemonade diet involves spending up to 10 days eating NOTHING (see point 1 - eat less) and drinking only salt water, laxative tea and "lemonade". Which will largely make you vomit and poo a lot more (for the hell of it see point 2 - do more).

 Oh and it's not what you probably think of as lemonade (various fizzy brands available) but a lemon drink that you add hot pepper to. If you are unsure about how to make your lemonade (see: lazy) then you can pay lots of money to have some delivered to you (but you are kind of cheating on point 2 - do more). There's several recipes available for this lemonade - I wont write them here for fear that someone may actually try to make it. Oh and also if you're worried about being laughed at when saying you're on the 'lemonade diet' you can also call it 'The Master Cleanse' - but you will sound like you've joined a cult.

Do this and you'll loose an arbitrary amount of weight and probably die from not eating anything.

Where to begin on how stupid this is...

Your body needs food. There's several scientific reports and millions of years of experience and anecdotal evidence that prove this one, so it's not up for argument. If you don't eat, your body goes into 'starvation mode' and the next time you do eat your body will convert the food largely to fat, in order to support your body for any potential lack of food that might arise in the future (like if you decide to try some other stupid diet). This is why a large portion of people will immediately put back on any weight they lost (and more in lots of cases) when they come off their FAD diet.

To be honest I can't even be bothered to write any more about this, as this argument alone proves it: You need food - this diet suggests no food = stupid diet. I'll take an extra point for showing my working out.

It's occurred to me that I might have offended some people who are on this diet, but if you really think this is a good idea then you should probably have supervision whilst using the internet.

Thank you - I'm here all week.

Please send any complaints to me and I will provide you with a free copy of my latest Biscuit Diet Plan (normal price £50) as a way to say sorry.
On another train of thought if you're genuinely thinking of doing that then don't. I haven't finished writing the plan in biro on the back on my mouse mat yet (ok I'm lying - I only have a Crayola Crayon and it's red for those of you interested).

The Happy Biscuit Diet Plan

Love and hugs to all my running friends!

- Latest foot news -
X-ray came back as healed and I've been allowed to start running in small doses again. Some of you may have seen a rare sighting of me at the Runneymead Relay last month and it's true, I am back up to small races. Let the training commence!

Keep using common sense!

Biscuit Nikki x

1 comment:

  1. You crack me up! I'm sharing this with a couple of dieting friends...
    Good news about your running btw!